“You know that line in Lord of The Flies where ralph says to Piggy ‘Sucks to your assmar?’
I once saw Richard Marx at a Depeche Mode concert, and he kept screaming that between songs. He had this weird smirk on his face. And I said to him “Dude, what are you on about?” And he looked at me with this really intense stare, like I could feel it disturbing my genes, as if I had a full body MRI you know? And he didn’t say anything. He just laughed playfully and that was even creepier.Apparently he did this to Depeche Mode for one year at every Depeche mode show. Dude followed them around through four different continents. Imagine that sick twisted shit. And then one day he stopped just as mysteriously as he started.”
“Okay so once I was at the San Diego Zoo and there was this drunk guy there, rambling on and on about he owned a giraffe but he donated it to the zoo because he didn’t have enough of a backyard for it, and was all disappointed when he realized you couldn’t ride them like horses. I told him to pipe down because he was making a class of elementary school kids cry. But he just yelled louder. Until he was escorted off the premises by some guards. When the guards got back they said to me ‘oh don’t mind him. it’s Richard Marx. And it really is his giraffe. He just has trouble letting go.’”
“My boyfriend and I got lost in the forest once, when we were camping up in Kanaskat-Palmer State Park. It was really scary. I mean we went for three days without food or water. Scared of bears. No fire to keep us warm. The whole thing was a disaster.
On the third day, we saw a trail of breadcrumbs. We decided to follow them. They led us to a yurt, like the kind where Mongolians live. Except more modern, and with a tv antenna on top.
When we knocked on the door, Richard Marx opened it.
‘Holy shit,’ I remember saying. ’Richard Marx?! What are you doing here?’
He just looked at us for a long while. Didn’t say anything. It was really awkward us standing there int he cold, feeling the heat from inside the yurt on our faces. Like just long enough to warm us up, you know?
After what seemed like ages, richard Marx said ‘I left you the breadcrumbs so you could eat them. Don’t talk to me again until you’ve eaten them.’
So we had to go back and eat the breadcrumbs off of the forest floor. BY the time we got back to his yurt, we were kind of stuffed, but more disgusted. I swear some of them he sprinkled in bear shit. Anyway, we got back to his yurt, and knocked, but he was gone and the door was locked. Luckily we found an outdoor plug, so we charged our phones and called emergency services
I guess you could say Richard Marx saved our lives that day. But he was also kind of a dick about it.”
“It was 1989, my junior year of high school. I had a pretty sweet ride at the time so i always gave my friends a lift home right after eighth period. Anyway, on the way home one day we stopped at a gas station. My bud Kevin went inside to buy some smokes as I pumped gas. A few moments later a black mini van pulled up at the adjacent gas pump. It had a lot of after factory work done to it: ground effects, neon lighting, and gold plated rims that resembled records. But what stood out most about the van was the painting on the side. In the center was a glowing winged man bursting out of storm clouds. The man was holding a golden microphone and people were kneeling beneath his feet. At the top of the mural it read “The Marxman” in airbrushed script letters.
The man driving the van stepped out and reached for the gas pump but not before he noticed me. He turned to me and said, “Hey fella, wanna pump gas for a legendary vocalist? I’ll even let you wash the windows of the Marxman’s chariot if you want.”
It was Richard Marx. I stared at him speechless for a solid thirty seconds. By that time Kevin returned with his smokes. His ritual of tearing open a new pack and popping one in his front teeth was interrupted by Marx:
“You know, you shouldn’t be smoking around a gas station. In fact, the only thing allowed to smoke around here is me. Yeeeoooow!”
Kevin and I quickly hopped in my car and took off. We left with that feeling you get where you’re embarrassed for someone else but at the same time they have no idea how embarrassed they should be for themselves.
To this day, I’m still not sure if we paid for the gas.”
“One time I went to get my car serviced in Holyoke and Richard Marx happened to be there getting his oil changed. Well he wasn’t, but his manager or roadies or whatever were. For their tour bus. He just happened to be sitting in the waiting room reading a newspaper. And we got to talking about random stuff, like the name Meineke. I thought it sounds so weird. Like, how come it isn’t spelled Meinekey? Like key as in car? He thought it was weird, too. Also he had blue fingernail polish on.”
“Okay so maybe this doesn’t count as ‘meeting,’ but I started following richard marx and he was totally drunk and tweeting about it and I was like “fuck yeah, man!,” and he retweeted me. And that was kind of cool.”
“Can you believe it? Famous people have to serve on jury duty, too. That is if they get picked. My number came up and damned if Richard Marx wasn’t in the same pool as I was. He was reading some Tom Clancy knock off novel the whole time. With some title like Crimson Syndrome, or The Sanction of Edward Balthazar. Some shit like that. I asked if if he was enjoying it. And he said “Does anyone ever really enjoy anything?”
Anyway, it was a murder trial. The whole time I was thinking he should be excused because he murdered our ears in the 80’s. In the end though they cut him and me and a bunch of people loose. I don’t know why. All I know is, I don’t have to worry about jury duty for a few years.”
“Once I flew from Chicago to London and I sat next to Richard Marx. I tried to make small talk with him but he wouldn’t talk to me. In fact the only time he talked was when he ordered tomato juice. Which he did a lot. I never saw a human being drink so much tomato juice in my life. I can’t even begin to imagine what his sodium levels must be like.”
“Richard Marx once lectured me in a gym about the importance of making sure my lats were properly stretched before lifting weights. He was totally right. Also I noticed he didn’t wipe down the elliptical machine with those towelettes like they tell you to.”
“This was a few yeas ago now. Richard Marx threw out the first pitch at a Cubs game. After the game, I went to the Hungry Brain and damn if he wasn’t there. This is the conversation we had. I remember it to this day:
Hey, Richard Marx! I saw you at the Cubs today. I’m a huge fan.
Of my pitching?
Do you know I have thrown out more first pitches than any other entertainer?
Wow, that’s great. I didn’t know it.
Yeah, but am I in the hall of fame? Noooooooo, I am not.
Well, I mean that’s reserved for players.
And then there’s Bill Murray. Dude hasn’t thrown as many first pitches as I have but every time he shows up it’s like a feckin’ second coming of Christ. Feckin’ Bill Murray. I mean I’m not thin skinned or anything but i’ll bet he’ll end up in the Hall of Fame. Feckin’ Bill Murray.”
“Marx came strolling in to my juice bar. He wanted pomegranate seeds in his smoothie. But I told him they weren’t in season and we only source as locally and responsibly as possible. He told me to fuck off.”
“I swear I met him by a river.”
“Back in 2004, I was moonlighting as a sound guy for porno movies. I was doing sound for Shanghai Night Whores. It’s a parody of that Jackie Chan and Owen Wilson movie Shanghai Nights. We were in this huge house in some Chicago suburb, it was like a McMansion but everything was in granite. Anyway, We were setting up for the girl on girl scene, when who pops in wearing a Lacoste shirt and shorts but Richard Marx. I thought for a second he had a cameo role. I mean it’s porn, and the guy hasn’t been heard from in decades. You never know, right? What it actually was, see, he owned the house and was renting it out for all kinds of films. I think they filmed Home Alone there, too. He was more concerned we didn’t ruin his ottoman. Dude really liked his ottoman.”
“Crazy story. I went to the Democratic National Convention last year as a delegate for Maryland. Well obviously, there’s mingling between the states and what not, we don’t just stay with our state. I bumped into a woman from the Minnesota delegation who was freaking out. She said someone told her Richard Marx showed up in the Puerto Rico delegation, pledging for a violent overthrow of Iowa. Rambling about how the Iowans stole the Ricans’ land there. We went down to check it out. Richard Marx was wearing a halo made of corn. He was being escorted out by the secret service.”
This excellent article “Right Here Waiting,” in which a hapless blogger makes an offhanded snark about Richard Marx, only to have a face to face meeting about it. Some facebook conversations later, we discovered more than a few people have had a Marx Encounter. This tumblr is filled with stories about meeting Mr. Marx. Some are real. Some are not. This is also true of Richard Marx.